Fourth Trimester: Survival
Hi y’all.
It’s been a minute.
If you’ve been following along on my instagram, you’ll know that I gave birth to my son in early May of this year. He’s now a happy, smiley, chunky four month old baby!
We have also moved back to the Houston area after four-ish years in Austin. The change is bittersweet, but I’ll be happy to go back to a bigger theatre market and reform some connections (if you’re a Houston area theatre artist, HMU!!)
If you can read between the lines, you’ll see that since May I have faced unprecedented changes. Not only have I given birth to an entire human, I’ve now left my jobs, I’m leaving the connections I’ve formed over the past half a decade, and I’m faced with a massive question: what’s next?
Postpartum is f-ing insane
If you are a mom, or if you know someone who recently became a mom, you may already know this. Everyone jokes about pregnancy hormones, but in my experience pregnancy kept me happy and calm and sleepy for 9+ months. Postpartum hormones make me feel like a teenager again but worse because now I’m in charge of keeping a small creature alive and my mental health literally depends on getting him to sleep.
Did I mention sleep? Turns out, a major issue that lots of moms deal with is not being able to sleep even when your baby is asleep!!!! Y’all, the other night I slept from 10:30pm-1:30am and THAT’S IT. My husband, my baby, and my dog all slept peacefully while I raged like a poltergeist in the other room. My doctor nonchalantly told me at my 6-week postpartum appointment (oh ALSO, my baby has had four appointments since being born and I’ve had ONE since GROWING A HUMAN IN MY HUMAN BODY, that is absolutely f-ing bananas) “that’s not insomnia, that’s anxiety, when it happens, do something that relaxes you.” Later, after begging for help, she said “try some low-dose melatonin.” Anyway, I start therapy tomorrow.
Productive and Unproductive
As you may know, I am a person who might be addicted to being extremely busy. Over the past few months, I have really struggled with my new way of life. Not just the sleeplessness, but the relative monotony of caring for a baby. Especially in the early weeks of breastfeeding (which is hard and sometimes painful and don’t let people tell you otherwise!!!) I felt like I was doing absolutely nothing, even though my body was literally being productive around the clock. I have been a fully stay at home parent since May, and I oscillate between being grateful that I am able to take so much time to be present for my son’s every developmental moment while also wishing I could go back to working - literally hourly.
When my son was 7 weeks old, I had an all-day on campus interview for a job. I taught two sample classes and had several interviews with varying members of the search committee. It was the longest I had spent away from him, and I sort of hate that I had a great time getting dressed up and teaching a class. It was like being Cinderella at the ball. But I was also so happy to meet up with him and my husband at the end of the day.
It just feels impossible for parents, especially moms, to have any fulfillment from any role without any sort of guilt. I don’t want to be an absent parent, but also theatre is my creative and social outlet in addition to my livelihood. This summer I have felt so incredibly lonely and it feels like my brain is melting out of my ears. Also I’ve felt a deeper kind of love than I thought possible. I wish my baby would take longer naps but then I miss him when he’s sleeping in the other room. I don’t want to put him in daycare but I desperately need time for myself. I want to be in a rehearsal room again but I don’t want to miss bedtime.
Long story short: how the hell does anyone do this?
If I’ve learned anything over the past year(!) of having this little noodle in my life, it is that everything is temporary. Just a few months ago he was a peely-skinned potato and now he splashes in the bathtub and giggles when we make silly faces at him.
Matrescense
Like a caterpillar about to become a butterfly, my life right now feels like a cocoon full of goo. I want to be a mother who is fully present, and a woman who is defined by more than motherhood. I feel like I owe my son, who was gestated amongst theatre people, who swirled around in my tummy in multiple rehearsal processes, and who is currently napping on me in a “Broadway Baby” onesie, a happy and fulfilled mama. I have no idea how to get there. Let me know if you have tips.
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